


we are doomed in this world

by pipermilou



Category: Steins;Gate
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 19:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14385582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pipermilou/pseuds/pipermilou
Summary: Exploring the alpha world line after Okabe shifted. [Steins;Gate 0 spoilers]





	we are doomed in this world

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, Steins;Gate 0 spoilers! Based on that one painful scene in the alpha worldine. You know what.

****(i)** **

 

It was some time last season- July? August? When she'd witnessed Hououin Kyouma's death. There was no proper burial for him. None, because the one person who was his lifeline, the one who spawned Hououin Kyouma into existence, was also in need of a burial, in the most literal sense. Kurisu bitterly thought that there was a poignant touch there; that cruel fate would pull its strings so that in the end, _he_ died along with _her_ , his hostage. 

Okabe Rintarou remained, although not completely himself. Some three weeks after that he shed away his lab coat, far from sight.

( _Kurisu found it one day. The coat was thrown haphazardly, hidden behind the curtains and stacked boxes of the lab. She was going to bend over and pick it up when she saw red splotches, some appeared to be wiped and left a gradually fading stain smelling of metal._

 _She jerked away._ )

 

****(ii)** **

 

One day, when the cicadas had died down and the leaves turned yellow, she met Urushibara. 

( _There was an empty space beside him, and Kurisu felt like there shouldn’t have been. He was walking alone, without any black haired girl lacing their fingers together and swinging their arms in a childlike spirit rivaling five year olds._ )

Clad in black gakuran, he (she? _they._ ) waved at her, graceful as always. "Ah, Makise-san!"

"Urushibara!" She greeted. "Just came back from school?"

"Yes," they nodded, "Um, it has been a while." And bowed.

Kurisu returned the gesture and twirled a strand of chestnut hair, "Sorry, I will make sure to visit the shrine sometime."

"No, I understand," They stopped, hesitating. "No one ever really came by anymore, anyway."

Kurisu caught the way their eyes drooped, she grimaced.

"..Okabe, too?"

"Kyouma-san, too."

"Oh.."

They stood in silence. Come to think of it- she never really conversed with Urushibara when Okabe or Mayuri was not around. Surprisingly, it's the meek shrine maiden that spoke up first.

"I like them, you know." When Kurisu opened her mouth in confusion, Urushibara hurriedly added. "Um, his lessons, I mean. I actually enjoyed them."

Somehow, Kurisu understood what Urushibara was implying, though unsaid.

"I know. They.." Kurisu trailed off. "They are going to come back, don't worry. Okabe will also come back. Everyone will."

Her inner scientist scoffed at herself. That statement was neither based on fact nor observations. That was a baseless statement driven by illogical emotions.

"I do hope so." Urushibara sniffled, still a sight even when crying.

Kurisu hugged the beautiful maiden clad in black. Their tears staining her jacket; she doesn't care. She felt like crying herself.

 

****(iii)** **

 

Once, Kurisu wandered around Akihabara and found herself in front of Faris' cafe. She wasn't sure why she came here, out of all places. Her brain reasoned that she was brought in with the bitter fragrance of nostalgia. To her eyes, everything from the café sign to the decorations looked the same as they were in summer. 

Or, did they?

No, _something_ is off, but she couldn't figure it out when she stepped in the radiant room. She still couldn't even when she was seated not far from Okabe and Hashida's usual seat, or when she nonchalantly ordered the meal she- _they_ used to order. She still couldn't when a cat paw tapped the table, getting her attention. Kurisu looked up.

"It really is Ku-nyan!" The cafe owner, her childhood friend, playfully nudged her arm.

"Akiha-san?" Kurisu tested, it doesn't fit.

"I'm Faris at work, nya!" The other girl winked. "Wow, long time no see! Faris had missed her fellow brethren and sistren. She wondered if they were all off hiding somewhere from the Third Eyed Demon, nya!"

"Yeah, uh, long time no see." Kurisu found her voice. This girl managed to conjure up the weirdest things. "I assume no one- from the lab, that is, came here that often?"

"Naw, only Daru-nyan came, and even that was weeks ago." Faris stopped. "Come to think of it, Faris would even say that he'd really lost some weight, nya."

"I see.." Her words trailed off. Of course Okabe wouldn't come. Kurisu pondered for a moment before saying, "So, how are you doing?" 

Kurisu had seen both Faris and Akiha Rumiho. Akiha Rumiho was the wistful dream she locked away. Akiha Rumiho was a part of her childhood she would rather not remember, not because it was revolting, quite the opposite- but because that small, happy segment of her past does not line up with what came after, and after, and _now_.

Faris was the obnoxious cat girl she met when Okabe dragged her into the cafe. Kurisu didn't want anything to do with her at first. That opinion slowly changed after three weeks, several encounters, and one long conversation with Okabe later, when he dragged her to the side after suddenly waking up in cold sweat; when he spilled off the events that happened some few hours later in a distant world, something about Virus Attackers and plane crash and d-mails. Kurisu thought that even now, they barely scratched the surface of what the cat girl really is. She'd seen Faris working and, even if she had scrunched up her nose at the antics of the other girl, Kurisu admitted that she always maintained a degree of professionalism in playing the perky character she was supposed to be. 

Kurisu had seen both, but she has never been able to read what the other girl is thinking. Perhaps Akiha Rumiho, the girl who grew up too fast, who suddenly had to dress up in business suits and sit in meetings, found comfort being Faris.

( _Just like Okabe with Hououin Kyouma andyoudestroyedthat-_ )

"Faris has been doing _purr_ fectly fine, nya!" Faris cut her train of thought. Kurisu thanked her internally. "She's been busier than usual, though! We had to weed out the reporters for the first few months, and then things never died down. Faris has to work double shifts now that we are.." She stopped, hesitating, "..a bit short-staffed." 

Oh.

Reporters. Right. 

What Kurisu missed when she stepped in the cafe was how they tore down Mayuri's photo on the front display, or how no one in the cafe had requested a girl with long, pony-tailed blonde hair, or how the name MayQueen+Nyan2 had made itself on the search bar and trending topics when she was browsing the news. The media chalked it up as a hit-and-run, and Okabe was the witness- but they all knew better.

"But, you know, Ku-nyan," once again, the other girl picked up the conversation, "You are very welcome to apply! Faris is sure that the catstomers would love you, nya!"

"No, thank you very much." Kurisu curtly replied. "I have my own business to attend to, and I really need to go back to America soon."

"Aw, that's a waste." Faris clicked her tongue and sighed, "Faris was feeling a bit lonely, too." 

Kurisu caught her bright pink eyes, and in the split-second, she saw not Faris, but Akiha Rumiho. She laughed bitterly.

"Me too."

She ate the rest of her meal in silence.

 

****(iv)** **

 

Some time ago, her plan was that she would take a train to Haneda Airport after she parted ways with Okabe in front of Akiba Station. Both of them knew that plan didn't end well at all as she then ran, breathless and gulping for air, down the road and up the stairs of the lab.

By then, she knew it was too late. She knew that. He was already clutching the headset wrapped around his head and sparks were dancing everywhere, yet she had just arrived and was leaning on the door, panting. But she was resolved, so she screamed out her feelings-

( _"Kurisu-!"_ )

-to no one but herself and the empty lab she was in. 

Kurisu thought now, as she reminisced, that she should have departed as planned. There are reasons plans exist: so that stupid, illogical last minute decisions won't be necessary.

She switched on her laptop and the loading screen lit up. She needs to do it today. There was no reason for her to stay in Japan anymore- not her seminar, nor any of her personal reasons. The lab in America needed her back, Maho had said in one of their Skype calls, ' _come here quick or I will drag you here myself! _'__

She mustered up a smile and said that she needs to do more research with an acquaintance she met at the conference about an interesting subject to write a thesis on.

( _She almost said time travel, but went with neuroscience. She was not lying about that._ ) 

Kurisu clicked open the tab she bookmarked. The web loaded and asked her date of departure. She entered the day after tomorrow; it said every flight has been booked except for few business class seats she can claim with a steep price. Her brain conjured up some trivial information about national holidays.

Kurisu pondered on making the effort to search for another date, another airline, perhaps. But in the end she closed the tab, laid down, and picked up a book- the thickest one she brought, and started reading until sunlight seeps in through the unfiltered parts of the hotel curtain.

 

****(v)** **

 

There were times when staying in her hotel room felt simultaneously like burning and drowning into deep waters. And so, Kurisu sloppily dressed herself and stepped out of the room. 

She stopped by the lab again, twice this week.

There was not one living being to greet her, of course, except for Tennouji-san. Once, when he was tending to the shop by his lonesome, she had asked him about Nae's whereabouts, but he ushered her away and said something like 'she needs time' under his breath. She never brought up the question again.

Without anyone to attend to it, the lab was coated in a thin layer of dust. Kurisu removed her boots, rummaged through her tote bag, and grabbed a spray bottle and cloth.

( _She was always kind of domestic._ ) 

Cleaning was like revisiting her memories.

Kurisu found the Upa doll Mayuri sewn. Droplets of snacks and traces of red liquid from one of the Future Gadgets. Half-emptied bottle of fruity shampoo and a hanged towel in the bathroom. Hashida's dubious games were sloppily stacked below the computer desk. It was as if time had stopped in that room, and she came to the thought that was not completely off the mark. Time stopped that summer for all of them, but most importantly for Hououin Kyouma, for _Okabe_ \- and his hostage, who was no longer there.

Something in her brain clicked as she felt cool metal underneath her fingertips. She brought the item for her eyes to see. Those were some leftover parts Okabe had bought at her request to-

-She'd wondered if she could have done something for him many times before. She had found what that something is, now. 

And so she flew out of the lab and into the electronic shops, making a mental note of the parts she needed to buy.

 

****(vi)** **

 

Kurisu had thought, in all honesty ( _though there will never come a day which she admits it_ ) -because it was fact based on observation; nothing personal _nor_ subjective- that Okabe would look good in black and suits. She also used to jokingly think that she would rejoice the day he don proper clothing, sans his lab coat.

She took back the thought when he stepped in the lab for the first time in four months.

( _At that time, she could've sworn she heard light footsteps following after his heavy, dragged ones. She could've sworn someone said juicy chicken or something along the lines._ )

"Okabe!" She called out to him. The name left her lips in forced familiarity and she hated that; whereas months ago the name smoothly rolled off her lips- good natured and almost instinctively. He flinched at her voice, his lanky figure froze, and he mumbled something she could only hear bits and pieces of.

"Kurisu," He breathed out. Not _Christina_. Not _Assistant_ , but her name, and had it be any other cases she would've feel the heat seeping in her cheeks, the sudden increase in tempo of her heartbeat. But as her purple eyes momentarily met his wavering gaze, she knew it was all wrong. "I was, uh, collecting my college textbooks. Daru is not here, well… I must go." 

He left before she could greet him happy birthday. She then scoffed at the idea, at herself, the source of his unhappiness, and flickered her eyes on the new ( _and the last_ ) invention she made. Just in case.

 

****(vii)** **

 

There was a day, she forgot which- though she used to be so good with dates, when the three of them actually came to the lab. The reason she had this particular day in mind wasn’t only because of the rare occurrence that took place, but because it was the first time she saw _his_ pills.   

Hashida couldn't stay away in a lengthy period of time without his 2D girls, he claimed, though she knew his reason was anything but. She didn't fail to notice the appearance of sweater folds where his portly body used to fill in. The last time she saw him was October. It's now December twentieth, give or take.

And _Okabe_ \- Okabe was downright unbearable to look at. If she hadn't known better, Kurisu would think he is a dead man walking. _The Zombie,_ she thought ironically. She noticed his clean shaved face, and she should have seen a younger, youthful image of him.

Should have. Okabe, with bags under his eyes and skin as pale as the lab coat he used to wear, looked as if he aged a decade in a single year. Her heart tightened. She wanted to ask him so many questions, but they all died in her throat, and she ended up answering them herself. 

How have you been these days? _Worse._

Are you eating well? _Didn't look like he has been eating at all._

Do you want to talk about anything? Let me know, I could help you. _Please. Why would he?_

She internally thanked Hashida for the small talks that spanned through morning to mid-evening, because Okabe was actually conversing and without them, the silence would be unbearable.

( _She noticed she'd been using that word a lot._ ) 

However, just as they finally got a few weak chuckles out of him, the news broadcast something about trains stopping- _bad weather_ , she recalled, and some advice to be cautious of slippery roads and heavy snowfall. At least, that was what she’d heard. Somehow, when she turned to flop down beside him, Okabe was already hunched on the table, gasping for air, trembling and sweating _and_ Kurisu was very, _very_ scared.

“No, no, _no, Mayuri-_ ” He tensed and bit down so hard his lips might’ve bled. She realized that he was not thinking about the weather or the broadcast _at all_ as Okabe cried out the most painful, broken sound Kurisu has ever heard.

She helped him get the pills while Hashida grabbed a glass of water, and minutes went by so excruciatingly slow before the effects kicked in. And after that, Okabe’s breathing gradually grew steady, but Kurisu knew he was anything but _okay_. Then she fetched a taxi as Hashida took him home. 

Kurisu would be lying if she said that she didn't miss goofing off and playing with random Future Gadgets. She'd be lying if she said she didn't want to work with the two of them again, making the impossible possible. She’d be the biggest liar if she said she was _okay_ with the incident that evening because she could’ve done _more_ , she should’ve _known_ , and what kind of _ _-_ of assistant _was so unaware of their partner’s anguish? 

There were two brains and one brawn, but they were lacking the heart that brought them all together.

( _and they’re falling a p a r t_ )

 

****(viii)** **

 

It was the New Years when Kurisu stepped in the lab again with a new resolve.

(Two years ago it was to reconcile with her father. Last year it was to belong in the lab in Viktor Chondria University. 

None of them came to be. 

This year for sure.)

She caught herself staring at the vacant room before her, and Kurisu could tell that no one has come by in awhile. Hashida's computer was collecting dust, she needs to clean that again. The sofa seemed to be in a good shape, though. So did Mayuri’s Upa pillow. Kurisu creaked open the cupboard; they have run out of coffee. 

Kurisu absentmindedly hummed a foreign tune she conjured up on the spot while busying herself with scrubbing the counter tops. Her ears picked up the pathetic excuse of a song, and she hummed the tunes louder so that maybe, _maybe_ , the silence wouldn’t cause her heart to starve for something she knew she would never get now.

In her mind, though, she picked up a myriad of other noises.

 _"Fuhahahaha!"_ Someone sprung up from the sofa, arms wide and carefree, proudly donning a white lab coat with no traces of ugly red splotches.  _"Behold! The gift to all mankind, presented by yours truly! The Phone Microwave (Name Subject to Change)!"_

Okabe.

__"_ Really? Do you have to add that mouthful at the end?"  _

That was her own.

__"_ Shut up, you Celeb 7!"  _

_"Who did you call Celeb 7?!"_

_"Come on, you two."_  Someone frowned, but their tone suggested that they were enjoying the playful banter. _"Mayushii doesn't want any fights in the lab."_

Her breath hitched.

Another one spoke, __"_ It's okay, Mayu-shi," _then grinned, __"_ they are just having their lovers' quarrel. Okarin, die you normie!" _

_Mayuri. Hashida._

Before she knew it, her lips quivered. _It wasn't supposed to be like this_ , she thought as she tasted something salty trickling down her reddened cheeks. _It shouldn't have turned out this way,_ she run her hands through the tangles of her hair. Her back slid down the counter under the force of gravity and pressed against the cold marble behind. The sobs swelled in intensity as her eyes, ugly and red-rimmed, stared at the fabricated scene before her.  _Mayuri was supposed to come by with a smile after school like she always did_  and, _and_ Okabe was supposed to annoy her and spout _chuubinyou_ stuff, wasn’t he _ _?_ And_ Hashida was supposed to be right _there_ , sitting in front of the computer screen, so _why_ - 

There was a voice deep inside, first a mumble, then a seething roar.

( _I don't want it to end this way. I won’t let it end this way_.)

By the time the sobs ceased and the quake of her body waned, the sun had risen up north. Kurisu took a wobbly step to the product of her labor with determination. Okabe had destroyed the original, but this one should do. 

And then, the door opened.

**Author's Note:**

> Frankly, it's been a while since I re-watched the series, so some details might be wrong. I just think it's interesting to expand on the alpha world line in the events of S;G 0, so this happens.
> 
> I'm quite nervous about posting my work, but then again, S;G 0 anime is running and I'm just too excited! I posted this sometime ago in another website, but I never continued it because I didn't have the time and inspiration. Came across it a week ago and decided to rewrite and add some stuff. Hope it's good!


End file.
